five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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