Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
