Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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