we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
