My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Hippo gnu deer
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Randomize
