What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
