What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
