Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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