I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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