1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
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