I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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