today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
