Too much gin, very little bucket
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
