one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
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