at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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