This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
