His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
