I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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