No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
