the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
