i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
