I wish I could punch you in the face.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
