I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
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I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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