i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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