Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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