Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
