I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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