dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
17 year olds will be the death of me.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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