Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
