She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Holy sore nipples Batman
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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