I wish life had little blips of pornography
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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