One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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