woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
