Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
