I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
