a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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