I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
