He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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