He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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