Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
We left the knife in your bed.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
