she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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