I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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