It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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