i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
