saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
