I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
