I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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