So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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