apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
ttyl tear gas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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