i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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