i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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