Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
