Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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