What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
