What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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