ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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